I’m the parent of young children, and I feel like I’m still training them on what is right and what is wrong. How do I know when to correct/teach them versus punish?
Young children are still learning the difference between right and wrong. Many parents say, “My child knows what is right.” Developmentally, young children behave or obey only to avoid punishment; they really don’t have the rational powers to discern right from wrong. So be patient and continue teaching through your behavior and words. Always be consistent in what you correct. If a deed is inappropriate today, it should be inappropriate tomorrow. Also, be consistent in your response. Your child becomes confused if something is cute and funny today but makes you mad tomorrow.
I like that your question included the word teach because that’s what discipline really is – teaching. As parents, we must adopt an instructive or educative mode of thinking when confronting and correcting our child’s behavior.
As children age they begin to cooperate more, they are less negative (until the teen years), and you can feel like your teaching is making progress. An education principle can be applied to disciplining your child: when learning has taken place, behavior changes. So when your child really “gets it,” you’ll see a difference in his behavior.
Sometimes, I feel like unless I raise my voice, my child just doesn’t take me seriously. How do I get him to obey without raising my voice?
Oh, that’s a common question, so you’re in good company. Youngsters are perceptive and pick up on messages we send. If you always yell to get your child’s attention, he has learned that you don’t mean what you say until you yell. In a way, you’ve taught him to equate yelling with obedience.
Try this: next time you see an inappropriate behavior, correct your child in a soft, matter-of-fact tone. He may look at you and not take you seriously. Then, get up and touch your child on the arm or get on his eye-level, look him in the face, and repeat yourself. You may need to physically assist him in doing what he’s told.
You don’t have to get mad to discipline. Practice using a lower voice. Then if that doesn’t work, put some action behind your words.
I want to give my child a chance to make the right choice and not be in trouble, but my friends tell me I’m too lenient. Do I really need to teach them to obey “the first time” all the time?
Another great question. Remember, youngsters are learning to hear words, make sense of what you said (that’s called auditory comprehension), and then tell their body to do it. That process does take a minute or two, so you can’t expect a child to “snap to it” immediately. When they’re around four to five- years-old they have better verbal abilities, and you can expect them to obey, but they still may stall. In fact, it’s common for preschoolers to dawdle.
In your daily parenting, try to balance rules with relationship, and don’t worry about what your friends advise. . . unless you’ve honestly sought out their opinion.
Now as for giving a child choices, I think that’s a healthy start. However, remember to give only two acceptable choices, and accept what your child chooses. For example, there’s no need to argue over brushing teeth because it’s a necessary hygiene, and good parents want to teach that behavior to their child. You can say, “Do you want to brush your teeth or do you want me to brush them?” Either choice is acceptable, right? And the job will get done. . . maybe not perfectly by your child, but at least he’s learning self-help skills and proper hygiene habits.
When I present my “Creative Discipline” presentation, I reveal the power of choices for effective discipline. Children like to feel in control, so why not share the power by giving them two simple, acceptable choices at every turn. During a meal you can ask, “Do you want peas or carrots first?” At bedtime you can offer, “Do you want to wear your Spiderman pajamas or your Batman pajamas?” Usually making a choice allows kids to feel a little more in control of their world. If a child whines, “I don’t want either” then you repeat your offer. Sound like a broken record, and do not engage in a debate. After a while you can simply finish the conversation by saying, “You choose or I will.” Period. That usually gets a response because kids don’t want Mom or Dad to take away their power.
How do you balance teaching grace and obedience?
The balance of grace and obedience is the same as balancing rules and relationship. It is difficult, but you can do it by remembering some of what kids do is normal childish behavior and not defiance. Avoid being the tyrant (all rules), and avoid being a pushover (all relationship).
Practice understanding kids. They are going through life for the first time and may not understand what you want of them, or they really didn’t hear you, or they’re fickle and got distracted. That’s when you get down on their eye-level, look them in the face and repeat yourself. I found that asking my girls to say back to me what I just said, internalized the statement for them.
What tools or methods do you recommend for disciplining my child, and how do I know when to use them?
There are eight effective, positive ways to guide a child’s behavior. Space prohibits me from going into detail on each, but I’ll quickly list them here:
- Modifying the environment
- Distraction
- Time In
- Time Out
- Consequences
- Compliment Appropriate Behavior
- Telling a Child what TO DO ( directive phrasing)
- Simple Choices (offer two acceptable choices)
Not all discipline methods work with all kids or all the time. I suggest you mix them up, combine the methods, or delete those that don’t work. However, I want to be quick to add that you must try a discipline method consistently and correctly to know if it’s making any behavioral difference in your child.
For example, some parents misuse time-out. They sabotage the experience by putting their child in a time-out chair or location that still entertains them. You must make sure the time-out location is free of distraction, and do not talk to a child while there. Also, don’t let a clock tell you how to parent; watch your child carefully. If he’s showing self-control and calming skills, then let him out. Don’t belabor the punishment by keeping him there for a minute per year of age. Actually, that rule of thumb originally suggested not going beyond a minute per year of age because of a child’s short attention span. When I used time-out on my daughters, I would either send them to a corner or turn a chair away from me and have them sit. Then, if they calmed and cooperated with the time-out, I simply said, “OK, you can get up now.”
When I’m speaking on Creative Discipline, I present two forms of time-out: one is passive and one is active. Both are equally effective for correcting behavior. I also share some of the other ways parents might sabotage their own efforts to discipline.
Thanks so much for your insight. Do you have any further resources?
I’d love for you to take advantage of my free Daily Discipline Tips, which come to your Inbox each Wednesday. Each tip is short and easy to read and encourages you with a new insight, skill, quote, or definition of a discipline method. This subscription-only service is available by signing up at my website, http://www.BrendaNixon.com.
Discipline is such a rich subject that I’ve also recorded one of my live presentations onto audio CD. Anyone can order the one-hour Creative Discipline CD by sending $10 to me at: PO Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050.
