Brenda, why is it that some teenagers seem to hang onto childhood and don’t grow up?
As a mom of two grown daughters, I know the difficulty of letting go. I think I actually let go of them, but then sometimes I find myself taking on their emotional pain as my own. When I do that, I don’t allow my girls to grow up apart from me.
My parenting philosophy is to work yourself out of a job. If we adopt that philosophy, then we can teach our teens to have confidence in their decisions, allow them to experience consequences so they make better decisions, and gradually pull out and stop interfering with their lives. It’s one thing to be available as a consultant to your teen, but it’s another to constantly interfere and treat them as if they were toddlers (even though they sometimes act like that.)
Why do some parents bend over backwards to please their teens?
Some parents feel guilt about their earlier parenting efforts, so they try to “make it up” by allowing inappropriate talk and behavior in the home. Another factor is that parents don’t know when to let go and allow their kids to become fully functioning, independent adults.
What advice would you have for parents who have a disruptive teen living in the home?
First, respect yourself, and set boundaries. Kids respect parents who take time to set rules, boundaries, and limitations. Remember, teens only respect us as much as we respect ourselves.
Second, try to emotionally “pull-away” and observe your teen as a separate individual. Then ask yourself, “Would I allow anyone else to behave this way around me?” Emotional distance may provide objective insight and the needed energy to change your behavior. Once your behavior changes, your child’s will too.
What do you think parents owe their kids?
When children are young, parents are responsible to provide consistent, loving, deliberate childrearing along with the physical provisions of safety, good nutrition, clothes, and education. As children age, they must be taught and permitted to become independent. Parents do not owe material possessions, or a life of ease and void of consequences. Parents should not allow an attitude of entitlement.
